[story]
[transcript]
[about]
[audio]
[future]

[STAR COMMAND ARCHIVE JA307020]
(sealed under the terms of order #990-J25)

LAST TRANSMISSION FROM STARBASE XY003
[this information is confidential]

SECTIONS:
1. OVERTURE
2. "JUST THE GOOD OL' BOYS"
3. "TWO GIRLS IS BETTER THAN NONE"
4. "BIOLOGICALLY IMPOSSIBLE"
5. "LET ME BE YOUR CHACHI"
6. "CAPTAIN CALIGULA"
7. "LOVE SONG FOR BOBA FETT"
8. "DOWN-HOME, COSMIC EARTHLING BBQ"
9. "BLACKOUT ON THE STARBASE"
SECTION ONE: OVERTURE

BO CALRISSIAN: GUITAR
LUKE CALRISSIAN: GUITAR, PIANO

12.11.3343.14:18:01AM
Hailing frequencies open on subspace segment 99/4b:x9
[Instrument and Communication Calibration]

[This section is possibly the strangest portion of the Transmission, as it seems to be an instrumental bearing the themes of the future messages in the Transmission. How did they have time to do this (or any of this) on a depressurizing space station? -R. Avery]

The theme order is:

  • "Down-home, Cosmic, Earthling Barbecue"
  • "Just the Good Ol' Boys"
  • "Two Girls is Better than None"
  • "Biologically Impossible"
  • "Let Me Be your Chachi"
  • "Captain Caligula"
  • "Love Song for Boba Fett"
  • "Down-home, Cosmic Earthling Barbecue (Reprise)"
  • "Just the Good Ol' Boys (Reprise)"
  • "Ridiculous Ending"
BO:
Yeah.

SECTION TWO: "JUST THE GOOD OL' BOYS"

BO CALRISSIAN: GUITAR, HARMONY
LUKE CALRISSIAN: GUITAR, MELODY, PRETEND KAZOO

BROS:

Just the good ol' boys, never meaning no harm. 'Beats all you ever saw, been in trouble with the law since the day they was [sic] born. Straight'nin the curve, flatt'nin the hills; someday the mountain might get 'em but the law never will.

Makin' their way the only way they know how, and that's just a little bit more than the law will allow. Just the good ol' boys, wouldn't change if they could, fightin' the system like a too modern day Robin Hood.

[solo]

BROS:

Makin' their way the only way they know how, and that's just a little bit more than the law will allow. Just the good ol' boys, wouldn't change if they could, fightin' the system like a too modern day Robin Hood.

LUKE:
Yeeeeeeehaaaaw!
SECTION THREE: "TWO GIRLS IS BETTER THAN NONE"

SALLY CALIGULA: GUITAR, VOCALS
JANICE CALIGULA: GUITAR, VOCALS
LUKE CALRISSIAN: RECORDER
UNKNOWN VIOLINIST: VIOLIN

SISTERS:

Two girls is better than none, just like Tatooine and both her suns. You'll know where to find me, 'cuz you know you'll be with one. Two girls is better than none.

We've been trapped here on "Battlestar Galactica" since 1981 -- hasn't been too much fun, so take (me) us away on your runabout today. We won't get in the way. We'll make the trip so much better, 'cuz

Two girls is better than none, just like Tatooine and both her suns. You'll know where to find me, 'cuz you know you'll be with one. Two girls is better than none.

I always wanted to see the rings of Saturn in the springtime. I always wanted to see The Planet Of the Apes. I always wanted to hike across the forest moon of Endor. I took a wrong turn somewhere, now i'm lost in space (take us with you).

Two girls is better than none, just like Tatooine and both her suns. You'll know where to find me, 'cuz you know you'll be with one. Two girls is better than none.

[solo]

SISTERS:

Two girls is better than none, just like Tatooine and both her suns. You'll know where to find me, 'cuz you know you'll be with one. Two girls is better than none. Better than none... (repeat)

SECTION FOUR: "BIOLOGICALLY IMPOSSIBLE"

BO CALRISSIAN: GUITAR, VOCALS
LUKE CALRISSIAN: GUITAR, VOCALS

BROS:

If you think my feet are to small...

LUKE:
Gotta start over. "If you think my feet are too small." Sorry. Ok here we go.

BROS:
If you want me to be taller, I'll be six-foot-nine. If you want me to be fatter, I'll eat phonebooks all the time. If you think my feet are to small, I'll wear moon boots all around. If you think my fingers are to few, I'll grow more inside my mouth.

'Cuz I can do the biologically impossible for you. (For you.)

[solo]

BROS:

If you want me to grow vampire fangs, I'll knock out my baby teeth. If you want me to have real fresh breath, I'll brush my fangs with a whole pine tree. If you want me to puke my guts out, every time that you call, if that turns you on, baby, it's not a problem at all

'Cuz I can do the socially unacceptable for you. (For you.)

[solo]

BROS:

If you think I should have an accent, well how do you feel about Ancient Greek? I'm not quite sure how it's supposed to sound, but my Swahili's far too week. And if you want me to talk backwards, well "Oot Taht Od Nac I Llew." And if you want me to speak gibberish, well "meeko weeko taco bell."

'Cuz I can do the linguistically ridiculous for you. (For you.)

And I can do the harmonically impossible for you! (For you.)

[solo]

BROS:

And if you want me to stop playin', I'll scream off my vocal cords [scream]. I was kinda thinkin' about stoppin' anyway, 'cuz I was gettin' kinda bored.

SECTION FIVE: "LET ME BE YOUR CHACHI"

BO CALRISSIAN: GUITAR, VOCALS
LUKE CALRISSIAN: GUITAR, VOCALS

UNIDENTIFIED BROTHER:

[unintelligible]

BROS:
Let me be your Chachi. Let me be your Chachi.

You can be my Joni, you can be my one and only, and we'll all be cool like Fonzie as we eat our marzipanzi.

Let me be your Chachi. Let me be your Tom Bosley. Let me be your Tom Bosley.

You be Mrs. Cunningham, we'll all be eatin' lots of SPAM. Has anyone seen Potsy? Prob'ly smokin' lots of "potsy".

Let me be your Tom Bosley. Let me be your Richie. Let me be your Richie.

I can be your Richie, and you can be my bitchie, and you can play the girlie just like LaVerne and Shirley.

Let me be your Richie. Let me be your Chachi. Let me be your Scott Baio.

New boy in the neighborhood, lives downstairs and it's understood, he's there just to take good care of me, just like he's one of the family.

Charles in charge of our days and our nights! Charles in charge of our wrongs and our rights!

New boy in the neighborhood, lives downstairs and it's understood, he's there just to take good care of me, just like he's one of the family.

Charles in charge of our days and our nights! (I wanna be) Charles in charge of our wrongs and our rights! (I wanna be your Chachi)

Let me be your Chachi. Let me be your Chachi.

You can be my Joni, you can be my one and only, and we'll all be cool like Fonzie while we watch The Wrath of Khanzi.

Let me be your Chachi. Let me be your Chachi. Your Chachi.

Your Chachi.

SECTION SIX: "CAPTAIN CALIGULA"

CAPTAIN JAMES T. CALIGULA: LEAD VOCALS
BO CALRISSIAN: HARMONY, LEAD GUITAR
LUKE CALRISSIAN: RHYTHYM GUITAR

CALIGULA AND BO:

I never cared for any spacemen or the troubles that they bring. I never cared for any astronauts or their astronaut ice cream. I got a spaceworm in the basement for circumstances such as these. I'm gonna put ya'll in the basement just to listen to you scream.

Who's this? Sitting at my kitchen table, in my favorite breakfast chair? This outer space ain't big enough for the three of us, big enough for the three of us.

I see that raygun in your pocket, I see you got somethin' up your sleeve. I see that twinkle in your eye, boy. And I can't ever let you leave. You see, I never cared too much for earthlings or the diseases that they bring. I never likened any strangers that didn't grow to liken me.

Who's this? Sitting at my, my kitchen table, in my favorite breakfast chair? This outer space ain't big enough for the three of us, big enough for the three of us.

[solo]

CALIGULA AND BO:

I never cared for any spacemen, or the troubles that they bring. I never cared too much for earthlings or the diseases that you mean. You see, I got a spaceworm in the basement for circumstances such as these. I'm gonna put ya'll in the basement, just to listen to you scream.

SECTION SEVEN: "LOVE SONG FOR BOBA FETT"

BO CALRISSIAN: GUITAR, VOCALS
LUKE CALRISSIAN: GUITAR, VOCALS

BROS:

Every time you're mean to me, make me hide and cower, I wish I giant robot, or a super power.

Wouldn't it be grand, if Boba Fett were on my side? Wouldn't it be something else, if Boba Fett were with me?

Every time you say something you shouldn't, I want an apology from now on. Don't you know that Boba Fett carries a laser gun?

Wouldn't it be grand, if Boba Fett were on my side? Wouldn't it be something else, if Boba Fett were with me?

[solo]

BROS:

Did you see him, when he caught Han Solo? He looked so cool standing there, next to the carbonite freezing chamber (you know what I mean). He's the coolest bounty hunter wearing Mandalore armor. Almost wish that I was the one he was flying away in slave one, flying away in slave one, flying away in slave one.

Wouldn't it be grand, if Boba Fett were on my side? Wouldn't it be something else, if Boba Fett were with me?

There's this evil, dark sith lord -- I wish I had his daughter. Well if I had some Boba Fetts, well he'd be bantha fodder.

[solo]

BROS:

Wouldn't it be grand, if Boba Fett were on my side? Wouldn't it be something else, if Boba Fett were with me? Wouldn't it be grand if Boba Fett were my right hand? Woudn't it be something else if Boba Fett were with me?

LUKE:
Yeah.

SECTION EIGHT: "DOWN-HOME, COSMIC EARTHLING BARBECUE"

ALIENS: VOCALS
BO CALRISSIAN: GUITAR, VOCALS
LUKE CALRISSIAN: GUITAR, VOCALS, PIANO

ALIENS:
They were in our spot. We don't like that a lot. Don't they know we've got a laser gun, and we can vaporize 'em?

What they didn't know is they were parking in our place. Blew their humanoid contraption into outer space. We'd rather blow 'em up than slash their tires or sue. We had a down-home, cosmic earthling barbecue.

[scat]

They tried fighting back with their puny weapons. But they were no match for us, 'cuz we've got a hundred arms and ten eyes.

What they didn't know is they were parking in our place. Blew their humanoid contraption into outer space. We'd rather blow 'em up than slash their tires or sue. We had a down-home, cosmic earthling barbecue.

[scat]

[piano solo]

BROS:

The reactor has gone dead. The station's at code red. The replicator's broken, and we can't use the phone. The hull's been ripped to shreds. The Captain's lost his head. Life support is failing fast, and I don't think we're gonna last.

ALIENS AND BROS:
What they/we didn't know is they/we were parking in our/their place. Blew their/our humanoid contraption into outer space. We'd/they'd rather blow 'em/us up than slash their/our tires or sue. We/they had a down-home, cosmic earthling barbecue.

[scat]

SECTION NINE: "STARBASE XY003"

BO CALRISSIAN: GUITAR, VOCALS
LUKE CALRISSIAN: GUITAR, VOCALS

BROS:

Where were you when the lights went out on the starbase? I tried to kiss you in the dark. But you weren't there, you weren't anywhere at all. Where were you when the lights went out on Starbase XY003?

Where were you when the lights went out on the starbase? I tried to kiss you in the dark. But you weren't there, you weren't anywhere at all. Where were you when the lights went out on Starbase XY003? You weren't with me. (Oh no.)

BO:
And I've flown a million light years to be here with you. And I've killed a couple robots, and an ewok or two. Now that I've come all this way, spacegirl, please don't send me back to my deserted world, 2-3-4!

BROS:
Where were you when the lights went out on the starbase? I tried to kiss you in the dark. But you weren't there, you weren't anywhere at all. Where were you when the lights went out on Starbase XY003? You weren't with me. (Oh no.)

BO:
And I've gone and used up all my atomic power, just to come across the cosmos in a little under an hour. Now that I've come all this way at maximum warm, please don't tell me that your sheild's still up.

LUKE:
All craft prepare to retreat!

BO:
[screams]

BROS:
Where were you when the lights went out on the starbase? (Whoa-whoa-woo) I tried to kiss you in the dark. But you weren't there, you weren't anywhere at all. Where were you when the lights went out on Starbase XY003? You weren't with me. (Oh no.)

BO:
Cool!

END TRANSMISSION.
Completed: 12.11.3343:14:48:53AM.
This information is confidential.

[(c) 1997, 2001 Flynn Records. All Rights Reserved.]
Last Updated: 02.28.2001 by tobor@tastytronic.net